READING • MATTHEW 19
The ideal — and the reality
God’s purpose for marriage is a faithful, loving partnership lived to His glory. Yet marriages can face serious difficulties. Scripture calls believers to faithfulness, patience, repentance and forgiveness, while also requiring wisdom when a situation becomes unsafe or destructive.
When one partner becomes a believer
A person may learn the Gospel and be baptized while already married to someone who does not share the faith. This was a real problem in the first century. Paul did not tell such believers to abandon their husbands or wives simply because of the difference in belief.
“And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.”
1 Corinthians 7:13 • King James Version
The believer should honour the marriage and show the character of Christ in ordinary family life. Peter gives similar counsel. In the King James Version, “conversation” here means conduct or way of life:
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”
1 Peter 3:1–2 • King James Version
The aim is not constant argument or pressure, but a faithful example: kindness, honesty, prayer, patience and consistency. The unbelieving partner is not made a disciple automatically, but the marriage itself is not treated as unclean simply because only one partner believes.
If the unbelieving partner leaves
“But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.”
1 Corinthians 7:15 • King James Version
Paul recognises that a believer cannot force another person to remain. The disciple should seek peace and faithfulness, but cannot control the choices of the other partner.
Safety matters
The call to preserve marriage must never be used to require someone to remain in immediate danger. Violence, threats, sexual coercion, serious abuse or coercive control should be taken seriously. A person may need to get to safety and seek appropriate help. Questions of safety, separation, divorce and possible remarriage are related, but they are not identical and should not be confused.
Marriage is intended for life
Jesus took his hearers back to the beginning of creation and to the “one flesh” union of husband and wife. His words give marriage great seriousness:
“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Matthew 19:6 • King James Version
Christian marriage promises are therefore not casual promises. Difficulties should be faced honestly, and couples should seek reconciliation wherever that is genuinely possible. Pride, secrecy and refusal to communicate usually make problems worse; humility, truth and forgiveness can open a way forward.
Divorce and sexual unfaithfulness
When Jesus was questioned about easy divorce, he rejected the idea that marriage could be ended for any convenient reason. He then gave this exception:
“And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”
Matthew 19:9 • King James Version
The traditional Christadelphian understanding is that sexual unfaithfulness can break the faithfulness at the heart of marriage and may provide grounds for divorce. But divorce is not commanded. Where there is genuine repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation may still be possible. Hosea’s patient love for his unfaithful wife is a powerful Old Testament example of seeking restoration rather than revenge.
Difficult cases need pastoral wisdom
Real situations are often more complicated than a paragraph in a course can describe. Betrayal, abandonment, abuse, children, legal responsibilities and questions about remarriage may all be involved. Believers should seek mature, confidential and compassionate guidance rather than making major decisions in anger or under pressure.
When a husband or wife dies
Death brings the marriage covenant to an end. Paul uses this familiar principle in Romans 7:
“For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.”
Romans 7:2 • King James Version
A widow or widower is therefore free to marry again. As Lesson 32 explained, a disciple choosing to remarry should seek a partner “only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39).
Forgiveness does not mean pretending
Christian forgiveness is not the same as saying that serious wrongdoing did not matter. Repentance involves truth, change and responsibility. Trust may take time to rebuild. Where harm has occurred, practical safeguards may also be necessary. The aim is not merely to preserve appearances, but to live truthfully before God.
Polygamous marriages
In some societies a person may already have more than one wife when he first hears and accepts the Gospel. Scripture records polygamous households in the Old Testament, but they repeatedly brought rivalry and sorrow. Jesus pointed back to the creation pattern of two becoming one flesh, and the New Testament standard for ecclesial leadership includes “the husband of one wife” (1 Timothy 3:2).
“For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh.”
Matthew 19:5 • King James Version
A baptized believer should not take additional wives. But a man who already has several wives also has existing responsibilities. Simply abandoning women and children could create further injustice. The longstanding pastoral approach reflected in this course is therefore that he should continue to provide faithfully for those already dependent on him, take no further wife, and seek careful ecclesial guidance.
Responsibility must not be abandoned
Coming to Christ increases our responsibility to act justly; it does not cancel duties we have already created. Existing wives and children must not be discarded in the name of religion. At the same time, the believer should move forward according to the New Testament ideal rather than enlarging a polygamous household.
Because 1 Timothy 3:2 gives “the husband of one wife” as a qualification for an overseer, this course follows the traditional CBM advice that a brother living in a polygamous household should not be appointed as an ecclesial elder.
A marriage need not be expensive
In some places the cost of weddings, celebrations or customary payments can become a serious obstacle. A Christian marriage does not need an elaborate ceremony. What matters is a genuine public commitment, appropriate witnesses, faithfulness before God and compliance with the lawful requirements of the country where the marriage takes place.
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”
Hebrews 13:4 • King James Version
A couple should not begin living as husband and wife merely because a large celebration is unaffordable. A simple lawful marriage is better than delaying indefinitely while living together outside marriage.
Customs, bridewealth and family expectations
Marriage customs differ widely. Some cultures include bridewealth, family negotiations or arranged introductions. Such customs are not automatically wrong, but they should not turn a woman into property, force a couple into crushing debt, or make money more important than character and faith.
Keep the principle, simplify the custom
Where a custom can be followed without contradicting Scripture, causing injustice or placing an unreasonable burden on the couple, it may be respected. Where custom conflicts with Christian conscience or becomes exploitative, believers should seek a simpler and more honourable way.
Choosing a husband or wife
The best way to prevent many marriage problems is to make the choice of a partner carefully. Lesson 32 explained the Christadelphian understanding that a baptized believer should marry another believer who shares the same faith. This principle should not be abandoned simply because there are few believers nearby.
“... for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7 • King James Version
Attraction matters, but character matters more. Look for honesty, kindness, self-control, faithfulness, willingness to serve, respect for Scripture and the ability to communicate. Wealth, appearance, family status and social pressure are poor foundations for a life-long covenant.
Do not marry hoping to convert someone later
The original version of this course suggested that in some arranged-marriage settings a believer might marry first and teach the spouse afterwards. That does not fit well with the principle “only in the Lord”. A marriage should not be entered on the assumption that the other person will later change faith.
Discuss faith before commitment
Where courtship customs are restricted, use whatever honourable opportunities are available: supervised meetings, family discussions, correspondence, trusted intermediaries or conversations with ecclesial members. The important thing is that both people understand the spiritual commitment before the marriage is agreed.
Pray — and listen
Abraham took great care over the search for a wife for Isaac (Genesis 24). Choosing a partner deserves the same seriousness. Pray about the decision, seek advice from mature believers who know both people well, and pay attention if several trustworthy people independently raise the same concern.
WISE SIGNS TO LOOK FOR
WARNING SIGNS NOT TO IGNORE
Shared faith and willingness to serve God
Contempt for your faith or pressure to compromise it
Honesty and willingness to apologise
Repeated lying, manipulation or refusal to accept responsibility
Kindness to family, strangers and vulnerable people
Cruelty, intimidation, uncontrolled anger or violence
Ability to discuss money, children and expectations
Secrecy, coercion or major issues that cannot be discussed
If you are already married
Do not read a lesson like this only as advice about what you should have done years ago. The Gospel calls us to faithfulness now. A believer already married should ask: How can I be more truthful, patient, loving, dependable and Christ-like in this marriage today? Where there are serious problems, seek help early rather than waiting until everything has broken down.
Marriage is still a blessing
A lesson about problems can make marriage sound like nothing but difficulty. Scripture presents a different picture. A faithful marriage can be a profound blessing: companionship, mutual support, shared worship, family life, hospitality, service and years of learning to practise patience, loyalty and forgiveness.
The Bible even uses marriage as a picture of the joy associated with the coming of Christ and the readiness of his people:
“Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.”
Revelation 19:7 • King James Version
The aim is not merely to stay married
The Christian goal is a marriage increasingly shaped by the character of Christ: truthful, faithful, merciful, safe, generous and directed toward God’s Kingdom. Where repair is possible, work patiently for it. Where serious harm has occurred, act with truth, wisdom and compassion.
SUMMARY
1
Honour the marriage you already have. A difference in belief alone is not a reason to abandon a willing spouse.
2
Take safety seriously. Faithfulness never requires remaining in immediate danger, violence or coercion.
3
Marriage is intended to be lifelong. Jesus rejected casual divorce and called husband and wife back to the “one flesh” ideal.
4
Unfaithfulness is a grave breach. Matthew 19:9 is traditionally understood by Christadelphians as allowing divorce for sexual unfaithfulness, though reconciliation may still be possible.
5
Do not abandon existing responsibilities. A convert already in a polygamous household should take no additional wife and should care faithfully for existing wives and children.
6
Choose carefully and keep marriage simple. Shared faith and character matter more than appearance, wealth, expensive ceremonies or social pressure.
Chapters to read
Genesis 24 • Matthew 5:31–32 • Matthew 19 • 1 Corinthians 7 • Psalm 128 • 1 Peter 3:1–7
LEARN BY HEART • HEBREWS 13:4
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”
Hebrews 13:4 • King James Version
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